Remote Chances of Dating
Notes for Beginner Online Dating Players
Still unsure what ‘dating’ means to me or what I may or may not be looking for, in 2019 I reframed it as a playful not-particularly-scientific experiment: introduction, methods, results, conclusions.
Dating doesn’t really exist in Pohnpei where I live. Like other low population remote locations, privacy is next to non-existent — anyone I meet is surely my colleague’s cousin’s wife’s brother. Most people here marry young and as for foreigners? Combining our island acquaintances, my friend and I counted a grand total of two males around our age we believe are single. I have not experienced the possibility of seeing someone here, nor noticed any upsides greater than the social repercussions it could entail. Not wanting to exclude myself entirely from the wacky world of dating, I’ve kept my online dating app active. Though zero profiles have been presented to me on island, I enjoyed the appearance of male population when I traveled; Denver, Colorado; Oakland, California; Portland, Oregon; Guam; Tokyo, Japan; Ljubljana, Slovenia; and Ipswich, UK.
If you understand how Bumble dating app works, skip this paragraph. Bumble dating profiles include up to six photos, profiles with a limit of 300 characters, and a series of optional get-to-know-you basics such as height, religion, drinking habits, star sign and exercise level. You can connect your profile with other social networking sites such as Spotify and Instagram. Based upon your location, the app presents a stream of people within a certain distance, who match your basic criteria of gender and age range. You swipe right for people you are interested in and if that person reciprocates, the female has 24 hours to send the first message. The male match then has 24 hours in which to respond. If neither does either, the match expires and the chance for the two to communicate is lost.
Making Matches: Judgemental Rules
To filter the endless stream of strangers, embrace every speck of judgement within you and back up with flimsy rationale to make yourself feel better. Photos taken of self in mirror? Don’t you have friends to take your photo? Bare chest? Poser. Cigarette smoker? Yuck (even though my last cigarette wasn’t all that long ago…) You may want to exercise caution towards males posing with dogs (which is 97.3% of Denver residents) because research suggests that a) men with dogs in dating profile pictures increase their likability, resulting in b) men borrowing dogs for dating profile pictures!
Eliminating Most Matches: Communication Rules
Ask an opening question which maximises what you can learn from its response. I use the following:
Hi …(name).., what was amazing in your day today?
For a match to continue communication, their response must include a follow-up question. Since I just asked a question, after typing their response they can be as lazy as three key strokes –
&u?
Nevertheless, this simple rule eliminated over 75% of my matches. Why would I want to pursue communication with anyone who lacks curiosity at step one? Play around with your rules to find out what works; I once raised the bar so that their first three communications should include a question but this was too high and eliminated everyone. Once over this hurdle, move to meet.
Learn From Playing Online Dating
Reflect on the lessons you can learn from each date. I greeted my first American date with the customary English not-quite-sure-what-to-do-should-I- hug-or-kiss-on-the-cheek?-oh-well-I’ll-just-shake-hands. A friend then taught me to invite hugs by opening my arms instead — over to them to accept or reject the invitation. From my first date in Oakland I discovered that you can seduce me with raw pie.
Come back to my place? “No thanks.”
I still have raw pie. “Yes please!”
No dates in Guam, Tokyo, or Ljubljana served to remind that this minimum 2-player game relies on geographical location and timing. My first adult date in my home town taught me that first dates in welly boots are a possibility — we wandered along the estuary, him armed with binoculars, while my bird-song identifying skills were tested to the limit…
Seagull.
No woodcocks called that day.
Playing online dating can be an enjoyable way to learn about yourself and the ways you connect with others. In 2019 I went on four first dates, two seconds and met one guy for a third — a massive achievement for me. I learnt to greet people with more confidence and have improved my communication around intimacy (though I’ve still got a long long way to go). I learnt I was not particularly interested in Christians, Japanese, or people who couldn’t find anything amazing in their day. Whether these crass judgements hold true in real-world encounters remains unknown. My follow-up-question filtration system was effective — all first dates were fun and I’m still in touch with them. I proved to myself that I can play this game and meet interesting people. We human beings are a diverse bunch, playing the online dating game with different intensities and reasons. What we all have in common is that we are making up the rules as we play.
Ultimately, geography matters. While I’ve heard plenty about long-distance relationships, I’m yet to hear of long-distance dating — people get to know each other in person. While exchanging letters, emails, or messages can be exciting, the relationship might never go beyond words. In my remote context, I’m still terrified by the prospect of someone travelling all this way to see me — I don’t want them to be disappointed.
Thank you for travelling for two days, three flights and $3000– this here is the spare bedroom.
I expect a lot less international travel this year and I wonder how or if I will be able to progress with intimacy or romance. Now I am experimenting with my 2020 theme — to give love with no expectation of anything in return — the playing training continues.
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