Learning Loving — Journeys in Intimacy
My heart seems to be barricaded in a castle surrounded by a fortress, three moats and a mountain. (December 2018)
Key experiences, resources, and lessons from a year of learning loving: how did I take a look around some of the barriers around my heart and explore connection with myself and others? For those interested in advancing along their own intimacy journey, you’ll find a reading list and resource links at the end.
“Any romantic interest in your life?” my best friend asked in December 2018. Tears welled up. I felt so far removed from any possibility of romance. The last time I’d had intimate relations was eight months before and I worried I didn’t know how to either initiate or respond to physical contact with another. I was hyper-sensitised to touch — even a hand brushing accidentally over my arm was remarkable. Should I trace this sensitivity back to divorce? Earlier intimate relations? Should I go as far back as childhood? Whatever the causes, I was lacking sensuality and wanted change. On January 1st, I chose kizuna as my theme for 2019. Kizuna refers to the strong bonds and connections between people.
Embarking on a new life on Pohnpei island in the Pacific, I quickly learnt that for a single lady here, opportunities for loving connection are limited. Most people’s first question is “Are you married?” commonly followed with “Why not?” Being a childless 35-year old single woman here is quite uncommon and as for dating? Consider that in this culture, if a guy and a girl stay under the same roof they are considered married. One evening I went to a nightclub and made the terrible mistake of wearing a red dress with hemline higher than my knees — oh my! Upon arrival, a couple of drunk guys started pestering me to dance and buy me a drink even though I told them no thanks. They persisted. I sat rigidly among a group of friends trying to discourage their relentless demands to dance by looking like I was not having fun. That experience taught me that I prefer going to bed early over hoping that a night out does not include harassment.
Touch Here to Make Caro Cry Real Tears
A massage in February made me feel loved in a way that I had not felt loved in a long, long time. An incredible ballerina was leading early morning yoga classes — I especially loved her hands-on adjustments and body-contact to deepen my stretches. When I found out she offered massage, I immediately asked for her help. As I lay face-down on my yoga mat and felt her hands reading my body, tears welled up. I realised how long it had been since I’d been touched, cared for, loved. Afterwards, she told me “Your body wants to let go but your mind is a maze”. She prescribed 15-minutes of hula-hooping per day. Her massage was the first step for me learning about intimacy as I realised my fundamental need for touch.
Read. Write. Listen. Talk.
Beyond the shame of reading books you hope no one sees you reading lies a wealth of potential knowledge. I was utterly embarrassed to become someone who reads books with titles such as Deeper Dating (I justified it to myself using my Audible free trial). As someone whose imagined ideal first date is skydiving and who advertised online for an intern boyfriend, the title resonated with my dissatisfaction at dating. The distinction between “attractions of inspiration” and “attractions of deprivation” rang loudly true to me. The book includes a number of exercises, including identifying your ‘gift’, which I completed in my notebook and discussed with a close friend. Simone, a sex and relationship coach, recommended @Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Before the end of page one, tears welled up. My mind was blown as I learnt that I am normal and that men and women and all genders in-between are essentially composed of all the same parts arranged differently. I was convinced Betty Dodson wrote Sex For One just for me on Pohnpei — I listened to the audiobook in two sittings. Though sex for one is often posited as an inferior substitute for sexual intercourse, Betty argues that we can have fulfilling, adventurous intimate relations alone. I want to give this book to everyone I know for Christmas — it should be on the national curriculum. Plough right through any shame you experience from reading these titles by reminding yourself you are an intelligent learning being on a crucial research mission. Open up! Read on! Learn!
Writing answers to difficult questions helped bring up things I’d long kept buried. In June, I brainstormed 21 shameful associations with intimacy: number 12 “I’m thoroughly embarrassed talking or writing anything about intimacy”. To balance it out, I then brainstormed 21 reasons to be excited about intimacy: number 20 “I am overflowing with love to share”. Simone recommended exercises which I recorded as audio to listen to in my evening meditation. I reflected on these in my journal and sent her photos of my writing. One afternoon I used the screening questionnaire from a sexological bodyworker as prompts and spent two hours writing about my sexual history including “sexual education and messages you received about sexuality while growing up” and “masturbation practice”. The writing experience left me completely drained and physically unwell. It took me over a day to gather the courage to hit send and share my most intimate history with an absolute stranger. Communicating through writing served as a safe stepping stone since I wasn’t comfortable talking about intimate topics. It’s also much more economical than paying a counsellor god-knows-how-many-dollars-per-hour when you’re not yet ready to talk!
Why is sexual harassment in a bar or nightclub socially accepted while exploring one’s boundaries with clear rules of respect and consent considered socially deviant?
To explore unknown places and meet interesting people, I use meetup.com. In Denver, I was utterly shocked to find a Friday-night play party advertised. I read and re-read the description of the event wondering if or how it was legal. More than 20 people were publicly signed up to attend.
No dress codes. At all. You can come in anything you damn well please. Latex? Check. Full puppy/kitty/pony/squirrel/monster/octopus gear? Check….You can get as sensual as you want during the Slosh (as long as it’s not full on sex or a kink scene-save it for the play party after!!)….If someone tells you no, do not badger. No is a complete sentence. No one is obligated to play with anyone they don’t want to. You can come and just watch- there is no pressure to play. Consent is required for anything. Ask to touch. Do not assume anyone wants to touch you, or wants you to touch them. Ask. Don’t be creepy. Be respectful and kind.
Attracted by no-dress code, free entry, and the impeccable event description, I gathered my courage, promised myself to not drink alcohol, and decided to go for at least 30 minutes. Expecting some kind of dungeon with people in latex on leads, I nervously went in. Instead I found myself in a welcoming bar with comfy chairs lining one side and a card-games table on the other — except for a couple of bare breasts here and there it felt much like any other bar. I started chatting with a guy who explained some of the philosophies behind this culture and found myself sharing deep feelings with him. After a while I asked, “Can we cuddle now?” and he said yes! As soon as we embraced, tears welled up —this loving contact was long overdue. I did not feel worried about what might happen next since we’d already communicated what was ok and not ok. I relaxed and fell into the bliss of being held, touched, and cared for. Yes that’s right friends, I negotiated a cuddle with my clothes on for kinky kicks — just call me wild!
Free learning opportunities in San Francisco
Presented with a 1-hour wait at the Union Square Apple store, I walked to Good Vibrations and asked the lady working there to educate me. Recognising the damage that can result from incorrect advice, Good Vibrations require their store assistants to complete at least 3-months training before being allowed to advise customers (beyond showing them where to find things). The fabulous knowledgeable assistant gave me the full tour including vibrators, butt plugs, vegan condoms, and their library. They provide numerous free workshops with topics including Female Power Happy Hour, Lingerie 101, Communication and Negotiation, and Get Knotty — Rope Bondage.
I attended a free introductory workshop Opening Your Heart to Intimacy by the Health Awareness Institute. It began with clear, repeated instructions that every activity was optional and no one should do anything they don’t want. We started by standing opposite a partner with hand on heart, looking into each other’s eyes. Even this simple activity was an awkward strain for me at first, but changing partners and repeating, it became easier. The second exercise involved inviting a partner to share a hug — we were encouraged to practice both accepting and declining.
“When someone says No, they have given you a gift of boundaries to respect while sharing something about themselves with you”.
Despite this, I still felt the need to apologize to those who I’d refused, perhaps symptomatic of my low ability to know or communicate what I do or don’t want. In another exercise, we sat with a partner and each had two minutes to talk, repeatedly completing the prompt “If you knew me…”. For example, “If you knew me, you’d know how close I feel to family, even though we are so far apart” and “If you knew me you’d know I learnt how important physical touch is in life”. Tears welled up. The final exercise started with requesting permission to touch the other’s face and discussing what was ok — “you can’t put your fingers up my nostrils or in my eyeballs” I said. When developing any skill, you should start from what you know!
Did it have a Happy Ending?
105 days after writing, I revisited my 21 shameful associations with intimacy. I found that I now ‘cared about’ two instead of feeling shame, that eight were absolutely normal, another eight I’d made concrete progress with or were ‘developing’ and two were bullshit. This left one I still find challenging but newly described as “society nonsense”.
On this journey, I’ve learned that being intimate with someone isn’t about sex at all — it’s about being true, honest, open and accepting with another, mutually communicating to learn about what the other really needs at that moment. The dominant social narrative around sex focuses so much on the ending — WHY? However long anyone can draw out a single (or multiple) orgasm, it is physically impossible for it to last longer than the pleasure preceding it. When we shift our focus away from the ending, towards pleasure and play instead, we switch off the pressure to perform, and much of the anxiety that goes with it.
I can’t know whether what has worked for me makes sense for others but like transforming any other environment of life, learning loving requires conscious effort, training, and making mistakes. Unlike other environments of your life however, one main measure of progress related to intimacy is your pleasure — there’s so much potential fun to be had! Is this the most enjoyable learning journey you can embark upon? Possibly…but diving deep into intimate history is certainly not easy and I couldn’t have done it alone. Read, learn, find people you feel comfortable communicating with and know that you’re not fucked up — you’re just a mammal!
Reading & Resources for Learners Learning Loving
I tried to cover my embarrassment at my reading list by not writing the subtitles on my Reading Log. Here I come clean while hoping that the only people reading this far stand to benefit from this list.
- Ken Page — Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
Find your ‘gift’. Avoid attractions of deprivation. Connect your awesome self.
- Ian Kerner — Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man
Communication is key. Women should know about and take control of their pleasure.
- Emily Nagoski — Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
Genitals are composed of the same parts arranged differently. Context is of crucial importance. To maximize pleasure, turn off the turn-offs and prolong the turning on of the turn-ons!
- Philip Miller & Molly Devon — Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
Kink isn’t necessarily so kinky and certainly beats socially accepted sexual harassment if you ask me. Communicate. Learn. Explore together creatively.
- Sue Johnson — Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships
- Betty Dodson — Sex For One: The Joy of Self-Loving
Hooray for Betty Dodson, facilitator of masturbation workshops for both women and men! Having a hot love affair with yourself is an awesome pass time, which can be shared with a partner too!
- Bessel Van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Trauma fundamentally alters the brain and the body. It does not have to be permanent.
Other Resources
Training sex and relationship coaches, they state that their method “was born from the need for all humans to face their fears, wounds, and challenges so that we can experience fulfillment of our deepest needs for love, connection and sexual expression.”
Offering free and weekend workshops, “at HAI, we walk alongside you as you explore the possibilities of a life of your choosing — a life enriched by self-acceptance, love, and a deep sense of belonging.”
Adult store you can be proud to shop and learn in. They partner with “community organizations that bring new perspectives and information supplementing our areas of expertise”.
