Fear-setting: Why I Couldn’t Invite You to Share a Cuddle
Fear-setting — the lesser known cousin of goal-setting — starts by taking something that you’re afraid of doing and visualising your nightmare. You should imagine the absolute worst-case scenarios and define in great detail what the consequences might be. Here I share a lightly edited stream-of-consciousness nightmare of why I have been unable to ask to share a cuddle.
When all I wanted was to be held.
I wanted to invite you to share a cuddle or a proper cuddle session which means a good few minutes, I could go for half an hour or more lying down if you feel like or standing or sitting is fine too. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m silly will think I’m weird. Desiring this connection — is that breaking the boundaries of friendship? I don’t want to ruin our friendship — the connection we’ve shared in fleeting moments was wonderful I don’t want to kill it now.
I’m not worried you’ll say no, I’m fine with no but I’m worried because I might just cry just asking because I need it I really need it I really really need it. And then if I somehow amazingly manage to get past that stage and you say yes then when we are holding each other you may feel me crumble break down and cry and I don’t want you to worry about me because I’m fine really I just need this connection which I don’t get. I’m worried about you feeling responsibility for me. I want to avoid the possible negative effect of me on you. And if we embrace, and you or I find we want more than a cuddle I’m not yet good at talking about what I want and don’t want or what you want or don’t want I guess I need practice because I rarely have.
I’m worried because I’m fragile but maybe you think I’m strong because I take care of my body, stand tall, smile, laugh, am open and try my best to be there as a friend with you. Because I don’t think I’m a lesbian but who knows, or, you are a guy and I don’t think I want to have sexual intercourse with you but as much of your skin against as much of my skin as possible sounds delicious. And if that’s ok then what if I want to trace slowly across your chest, down your leg, around the outline of your face and experience your soul through my fingers and my hands and my skin and your skin and I think I could do this for days on end that never end?
Because I knew that I could open my arms and invite a hug because I learnt how to do that last year and though I know it’s not as much as I really wanted I’ll hold you tightly and feel our hearts connect for as long as you let them and I’ll satisfy myself with that for now.
The very worst that could happen is that you are offended by my invitation and you reject me from your life when I thought we had a connection I wanted to cultivate further but because I tried to broach this topic too soon I weirded you out and that was the end of that. You tell everyone and the word spreads across this little island that this weirdo is open for anything in a wild state of desperation and night-crawlers with no teeth appear in my bedroom through the balcony window at 2am on a Saturday night. I get the baseless reputation as a desperate slut and now I have to barricade myself away even more than before and in the end I feel I just have to leave this place for just a little anonymity and now I have to start all over again all over again.
When all I wanted was to be held.
— — — — — — — — — — — —
The next steps of fear-setting are to consider:
- the permanent impact on your life of these consequences and the likelihood of them actually happening
- the steps you could take to repair the damage or get things back under control
- the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent of the more likely scenarios, the impact of their consequences and the likelihood of a positive outcome
- what you are putting off out of fear
- what postponing action is costing you — emotionally, physically, financially — define the cost of inaction for you today, in one year, five years, in ten years time
- what are you waiting for?
