Exploring Intimacy Unalone
How a sex and intimacy coach helps
Me: I had an intense cuddle session with a guy
Mum: Are you being naughty?
This exchange indicates the level of communication about intimacy our family is comfortable with. In 2019, Simone Farschi — a sex and intimacy coach — helped me to explore what intimacy means to me. Here I explain why I felt blocked, how we played together, and why I’m joining her 12-week pay-by-donation Self Fulfillment and Immune Resilience Course starting June 22nd 2020.
Obstacles against exploring romantic potential were numerous on the island of Pohnpei. Dating includes getting to know someone first, but we could not have privacy going out for dinner, while any other activity — going fishing, hiking, or him parking his (cousin’s) car outside my house — would essentially give the appearance of almost being married. This vast cultural divide, lack of single others and concern of the social repercussions of accidentally getting with my colleague’s partner’s son did not help. Other foreigners came and went, some stayed longer than others but it was easy for our paths not to cross. Though I quickly formed deep connections with incredible folks from around the world, one of us was inevitably leaving soon. Not interested in one-night stands, instead I decided to cultivate my garden of love, to clear out the weeds and nurture a healthy space ready for who knows what.
Re-energised With Others
Knowing I needed another person to grow with, I explored connections while travelling overseas. I thought “What’s the point? I might never see this person again?” but I know the universe plays in curious ways and you never know where a single encounter may lead. In Portland, Oregon, I met a man who lives in Athens, Greece, who showed up last week 40-miles down the road from me in Suffolk, UK. You can meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime — the duration of the relationship may not correlate with its importance in your life. At a play party, I met a guy who explained with kindness and compassion about the unknown sensual world I’d ventured into; communication, consent and “a sex table over there”. We snuggled on a sofa. We snuggled on a bed. We exchanged contacts and the next day, I overcame my fear to invite him for more snuggles at mine followed by playing handsies throughout the Colorado Symphony’s Brahms vs. Radiohead concert.
On the lengthy flights home I felt both deeply energized from these explorations and utterly sad that I was returning to a place where few of these possibilities seemed to exist. I felt addicted to touch and connection — troubled how long I went without it, concerned for how I was going to get it. Connection is a need not a want — undernourished this wonderful resource will go to tragic waste. Back home I was again alone not knowing how I could progress so I reached out to my Californian friend to ask
Hips — there is an electric fence in place, I’m looking for the key to the cupboard where the off switch is located. Can you help? You already unlocked my fortress. What’s another between friends?
He answered,
Sounds like it’ll take some time for your mind to follow the hips. Not just hips have been locked if you know what I mean. Brain is the biggest sex organ. Sounds like the thought patterns have been interrupted and finding new patterns…….re-pattern your mind to have sensuality in every day. And be gentle.
He recommended three avenues to explore, one of whom is Simone.
Reaching Out to Simone Farschi
Dear Simone,
One year ago I set out on a journey learning to love myself. I’ve made a lot of progress. It’s been a long journey of healing and while I’m proud of my progress in many areas of life, the intimate realm feels like the final frontier that I can no longer ignore. As layers peel back, I now find myself at the frontier of intimacy, sensuality, love.
My sexual history is heavily characterised with shame. Though I’ve had heathy loving intimate moments with others, it’s hard for me to remember them clearly, since I was with my ex-husband for the previous decade of my life and I no longer have such positive associations with him.
I’d like to explore what intimacy means for me in positive, healthful and occasionally mind-bowing ways. With chances of interaction with another so limited, my intention is that I can cultivate the headspace so I don’t freeze up in fear, shut the door, or laugh my way out of a potentially pleasurable experience.
I feel I have to take bold steps to progress — this area of my life has been unattended to, lacking guidance, and the unfriendly voice inside said to me the other day “You’re the biggest let down”. I’m looking for some support and guidance to help me:
· listen (or read) compassionately to some of my shameful associations with intimacy (I wrote a list of 21 then to be nice to myself, I then wrote 21 reasons to be excited about intimacy)
· give me some useful exercises which can help me in the right direction of my journey.
I’ve never believed I am sensual.
Exercises alone, reading, and virtual sessions were our only options. Simone gave me breathing and meditation exercises including the words ‘vulva’, ‘pelvic floor’ and ‘hand’. I audio-recorded her instructions to follow, then sent my written responses and reflective feedback to the exercises. Thanks to Simone I invited my hips to a deeper state of relaxation. One exercise was “as you are holding your breath, squeeze your muscles in your pussy, your pelvic floor, your fists, your chest, your legs, your feet your face and hold, hold, hold. Release the breath and feel the rush of erotic power and energy move through your body.”
“Thank you for ‘prescribing’ these exercises which I’m having fun doing. Today when tensing EVERYTHING (including eyes and face) I saw a white light and flash in my scrunched closed eyes.
After the ‘Big Draw’ today I released and then started crying again!
It was difficult for me to find a place alone with decent internet to allow us to speak online; Grandma who lives downstairs was offering me pancakes while I was blubbing on the phone in the yard sharing intimate truths with California. Despite all these challenges, Simone was helping me explore intimacy unalone, cheerleading from afar, and developing trust between us in preparation for an in-person session during my next trip to the States.
I met Simone at a café for chats over tea before going to hers. We did some exercises which included touching for her pleasure and touching for mine. As expected, I broke into tears immediately upon contact — she provided tissues. I learnt that hands and arms feel like a fairly safe place for me to open contact. We practiced talking about what I like and don’t like and I felt I lacked vocabulary, practice and knowledge; this is (depressingly?) normal. Then she gave me a sensual massage “to honour me and feel completely yummy”. She felt what I needed more than I did.
When I returned to Pohnpei, we did some more virtual sessions, including dealing with disappointment, learning about relationship repair and a 3-minute-game to try out with a partner. She also provided instructions on doing a vulva show-and-tell which my friend and I did not get round to — the problem in life so often is that we mistakenly think we have too much time.
Why Self Fulfilment & Immune Resilience Course? Why now?
My first two weeks back in the UK in self-isolation here coincided with a national lockdown — no one could leave their homes for anything but food, medicine, and essential services. When people asked me how I was coping with isolation I reminded them where I’d been living …
With physical isolation now a societal norm, Simone and I discussed the heightened importance of connection, communication, consent, and what intimacy now looks like. She is developing Pleasure+
a community for self-exploration, born out of the desire to create a safe and supportive place to engage with intimacy and pleasure among sisters. Founded by sex and intimacy coach Simone Farschi, Pleasure+ helps women discover their own potential and embrace their true sexual power. Through curated online courses and intimate retreats, Pleasure+ brings together likeminded women to unearth their inner resilience and reconnect with their sexual life force.
Simone is on her own healing journey — aren’t we all? She’s been studying and practicing hard, gently. A professional with compassion, a teacher with spirit, I am honoured to play with her! When she first shared her course, Self Fulfilment and Immune Resilience, she described it as “wellness with undertones of sensuality”. I was excited with her creation but still nervous about trusting others intimately, let alone publicly. What If I put all this time, effort, and money in and “it doesn’t work on me”, I worried? I have a fair amount of resistance, skepticism, and ignorance on most of the course modules; sound healing, orgasmic yoga, wild womb healing — sounds a bit woo woo to me and what is an unwild womb anyway? Simone worried that the cost might be prohibitive, then last week she opened enrolment to donation only, with all profits going to Ethel’s Club who “create healing spaces that center and celebrate people of color through conversation, wellness and creativity.” I donated $400 which was half the price of the original course.
I am excited that the coming weeks include
Learn with wellness and intimacy experts from around the world.
Build your community with other empowered women in an intimate space.
Practice loving rituals that will re-pattern your blocks and allow pleasure and abundance to flow through you.
Participate in group orgasmic yoga sessions.
Release fear and shame in real time.
Learn specific recipes and tonics that will boost your immunity and health.
Learn the anatomy of arousal and how to have an orgasmic life.
My curiosity about the power and importance of sensuality overtakes my embarrassment. Like any other area of life, I can continue learning about intimacy and pleasure by playing in the sandbox. Simone helps me feel in a safe space with caring guidance available when I need. I can learn exploring playing as I please, making unknowns known and making sure laughter is nearby. I expect to gain some practical fun knowledge, games, and creative ideas to add to my play toolkit which I can take away and experiment with in my own good time. For 12-weeks in 2020, playing intimately will be prioritised! Now more than ever, connection is our vital life force.
I’m too embarrassed to publicise this article beyond wherever you’ve found it. Apparently in the modern world we are supposed to pretend this fundamental element of human nature does not exist. My professional self is supposed to pretend I don’t have a vulva, that love doesn’t affect my life, and that I’ve never heard of masturbation. I disagree. Thanks to my explorations I’m connected with some wonderful incredible people around the world that have helped me get past blocks which inhibit my potential as a whole human being. I do have a vulva, love is central to life, and not only have I head of masturbation, I’ve publicly proclaimed the benefits of procrasturbation! We can invite more pleasure, love, sensuality into life by making that the plan and acting on it. What could be more exciting than playing with more pleasure?!
If you enjoyed reading, you can show your appreciation by clapping up to 50 times on the hands below. I always love receiving feedback (good or bad), comments, questions, suggestions. I wrote this article because I want to support Simone’s incredible work because she helps others to love and support themselves. She didn’t ask me to write it nor will I get any money from publishing it. I’m publishing it because it makes me nervous to do so and I’m excited to continue playing with her on the course.
