Dress to Express
Exploring the thoughts and emotions associated with shopping and clothing.
Learning to love myself is a lifelong pursuit which I don’t know how to marry with concern for what I’m wearing. My ideal at-home outfit is naked. I actively work to avoid depending on external validation which — in my perception — is what the world of fashion is based upon… tinkering away with people’s natural self-doubts, driving us to buy, buy, buy, encouraging us to acquire more than we need. Here I delve into these thoughts and emotions to check whether they are leaking into other areas of life. This article demonstrates that since publishing Help Dress Me! in March 2019, I’ve made little to no progress in this area of life.
A brief history of my understanding of shopping and clothing
I associate both fashion and shopping with wasting precious resources on the superficial. The pervading consumerist culture is making stuff to sell: sell you a dream, sell you your happiness gift-wrapped buy one get one free, sell you your beauty, define your value through the amount you spend on the cloth upon your skin. Isn’t the simplest cheapest solution to be satisfied with what I have? Want less. Satisfy more. The world has a lot of shit to deal with now — shouldn’t I be doing something more important than worrying how I look?
My life is characterised by not buying clothes myself. As the youngest child of three in a single-mother family, we were raised on income support. Clothes came from the neighbours to my older sister and down to me, or perhaps something new as a gift. I have few memories of shopping besides school uniform and Marks & Spencers for a 5-pack of cotton briefs. When I started earning money aged 15 I was in my angry metaller phase — baggy skate pants, dog collars, goth or trashy clothing (and pillar-box red lipstick on my eyelids). A university student in the early 2000s, I loved Camden Market where I bought a £12 handmade skirt which continued its life through to 2016. In my 20s, my ex took me shopping, throwing me into the changing room and getting clothes for me to try on. He battled past my resistance to help dress me — I had some lovely clothes thanks to him and still have some of the practical items — Lulu lemon pants, top, a body warmer, an Arcteryx skirt and hiking layer…..but I got rid of most things because of their historical associations.
Shopping negatively impacts my life and is to be avoided at all costs. Even where there is an absolute need, I’ll put it off for as long as possible — unexpectedly back in cold England since March 2020, it’s now June and I still haven’t bought socks. I do not know how to style or wear “pieces”. “Layering” and “accessorise” sound like too much stuff to worry about. My low understanding of style makes me extremely defensive, especially in changing rooms. Here is a space with not enough space where I am supposed to take stuff off to put stuff on and look at myself and make some kind of meaningful judgement? The worst of these is bra shopping. My ribs protrude out further than my breasts, I don’t require support. Why would I want to put on some ill-fitting uncomfortable item that serves no purpose and look at myself? Now I don’t own any bras. Going into changing rooms the sad tears are ready to leap and I can’t wait to escape, stop looking at myself and assess how I look because I don’t want to look I just want to skip to the part where I don’t have to try to pretend I have any idea what looks good or not and I can get back to doing all the things that make me feel wonderful instead of wasting my time and money trying to look good.
Consumption Cults
What can be further away from nature and my values than shopping? I am astounded that people pay hundreds and thousands of dollars for pieces of fabric and junk. I spend my resources on experiences, shelter, food, travel, learning — these things nourish me. Not owning stuff liberates me. Japanese department stores became no-go areas for me as they provoked panic attacks. Characterised by no natural light, these sky-rise temples of consumption are labyrinths of overpriced environmental waste, populated with obedient disciples making their cash offerings in the hope of salvation. One of the venues for Shinjuku jazz festival in summer 2018 was on the roof of a department store so I was forced to go through the red-zone to find the stairs. My heartbeat raced and my breath went fast and ragged. Ground-floors are the worst — chemicals which make me sneeze, marketed as perfume, while ladies caked in stage makeup make me wonder who is the lady behind the mask? Uniformed fembots with neatly tied scarves speak in tongues calling ‘Irashyimaseee-eeeeee-eeeeeee” piercing my ears with voices three octaves higher than normal. If I’m forced to, I might approach one to ask the directions to the exit, out into the daylight and the fresh air and anything natural like the sky or the earth or a tree with which I can orient myself again.
When shopping, I am an irrational frightened angry monster who can’t breathe properly. When a shop assistant approaches me, I get frustrated. They say “let me know if I can help you” or “you can try on the clothes in the changing room” and I am angry — I know that this is how shopping works. They say “this top is cute” but I don’t like cute and stop trying to sell me stuff. After they speak to me I often leave immediately. If I make it as far as trying things on in the changing room, it must be because I really really need something in particular. Then they might say “Kawaiiiiiii” or compliment me on my figure because (with the exception of Micronesia) I’ve lived in cultures that highly rate slim figures. Shouldn’t someone with the job title “shop assistant” be helping me to learn what does and doesn’t work on my body and why?
Positive thoughts and emotions associated with shopping and clothing
Thanks to ‘Dancing Queen’ I know that clothes can make me feel fab. All of my feel-fab clothes are from her — the red dress, the Picasso pants, and the can’t-wait-til-it’s-warm-enough-to-wear-my-20's-dress. At first I thought I should save the red dress for special occasions, like a reception at the Australian embassy when I took this photo. Then I thought, why wait? I feel great in this dress and a little nervous before going out in it. Every time I wear it, people compliment me — “you look beautiful”, “it’s a red dress day”, “I love your dress” — it IS wonderful to feel great and have others agree! Similar feelings come up with my playful colourful ‘Picasso pants’.
I love my zozo suit! When I closed chapter Japan and got the hole-punched into my hard-won 5-year visa (with three years remaining), I wore the zozo suit and a black waist coat on the plane to make the travels a little more fun. Since it’s designed for online shopping, I am wearing it in a subversive way, side-stepping fashion entirely. The simplest way to avoid being out of fashion is never to be in. The zozo suit is practical — tight and stretchy with stirrups around the ankles and thumbs, perfect for ocean swimming and all-over sun protection. I can stretch, run, hula-hoop and play as I want to without changing. Did I mention it was free?! It looks awesome, absurd, protects me from the sun and can be worn in all kinds of environments.
Other points about my life/style:
- Ironing is not a part of my life — gravity is.
- I won’t hand-wash clothes. My friend taught me about laundry bags. It changed my life. If anything says “hand-wash”, I put it in a laundry bag in a cold wash. All washes are cold in Japan, aren’t they?
- I love doing headstands and handstands.
- I love dresses — one piece is all you need!
- Dry-cleaning — and after all that now I’m supposed to spend more money on these clothes? No thank you!
- Dangly earrings — I count these as “make-up”. Mascara is the only other make up I own though not currently due to unexpected rapid international migration. Annoying that I’d stocked up on two of those expensive MAC mascaras (also from airports) and left them behind in Pohnpei — $40 wasted.
- I think I’ve spent more money on Victoria Secrets panties (at airports) in the past five years than all my other clothing expenditure combined. Secret weapons for my pleasure only!
The positive feelings and emotions Dancing Queen helped me experience with playful clothes made me realise that I’d like everything I wear to make me feel this special. Now I’m thinking either a uniform or an ‘omniform’ so I can feel confident with clothes that energise me and not have to spend time deciding on what and how to style each day. Health is central to my life and I want my clothes to help that shine; straightforward, practical, simple, bold, playful — I’d like to dress to express myself.
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