Boyfriend Recruitment

Results of the intern boyfriend recruitment drive.

When I posted an advert to Upwork — a platform which connects professionals and freelancers — to recruit an intern boyfriend, I received six applications. Originally published as the centrefold in Summer Volume III.ii of the cult classic KnowNews, here it is re-published online. I posted the ad to a) see what happens, b) learn about recruitment and c) bring more laughter to my life. All answers are from genuine applicants.

Job advert

Still extricating myself from the last decade of relationship (involving name change, now rectified), I’m looking for a professional intern boyfriend to share hell-yeah experiences with. “Dating” — whatever that means — seems a conventional and inefficient way to get to know someone, better suited to black comedy than my lifestyle. No one on Tinder has yet been up for a first date cooking a meal together, pull-ups training, or beginner paragliding.

Job description

Co-creation and conducting of awesome adventures to explore and savour lesser-traveled Japan on a close-to-zero budget — higher-cost options considered at your expense. Also looking to appreciate simply daily generosities and soul-shaking pee-inducing laughs. Mountain and hot-spring weekenders? Sea swims and stretches? Two weeks cycling Hokkaido this August? Working time and approach fully negotiable, applications from explorers, off-gridders, and astronauts welcomed.

Benefits

Bespoke temporary relationship with early-30s fit blonde English girl. Oceanfront budget-luxury accommodation with outdoor bath less than 2-hours train from Tokyo. Some meals and drinks provided.

Qualifications

Self-certified organic nuts. At least functionally bilingual including one of English, Japanese, or French. Got rhythm. Access to use of plane and/or boat preferred. Some relationship experience expected.

Following the application procedures I had conversations with three applicants and a few message exchanges with another. Motivated to meet one based in Lisbon, I invited my best friend for fun and safety. At the airport on the way, I told her why I had suggested Lisbon. The guy’s Portuguese “spontaneity” (no planning) did not combine with our 3-day visit. I never met him but my friend, her boyfriend and I had a fabulous weekend in the city!

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Massive thanks to pro-designer Jack Hagley for teaching me that you can fit any amount of information on one page, beautifully. If you hire him.