21 Lessons from LA in January 2020
Three days sandwiched between work obligations in Honolulu, Hawaii and Ontario, California. My high school friend joined me for adventures in La La Land — closer to Ipswich, UK than Micronesia is. What did we learn?
1. Will Smith will always be a legend.
As we wander Hollywood’s Walk of Fame discussing how we really don’t know many famous people, we find the bustle is on, excitement rising — something is going on, something that’s going to make our heads explode. As we approach the madness, we hear a roaring crowd welcome none other than….. Legend for Life Will Smith, working hard for the premier of Bad Boys, 25 years after the original movie was released! As he comes on stage, he says “It’s been a long time…”, which was funny, because a while back I wondered what Will Smith is up to these days. Soon after, he seemed to be in every movie (on planes) including Aladdin (didn’t watch), Gemini Man (fine) and Collateral Beauty (amazing). Thank you Will Smith for doing what you do!
2. LA is about 100 cities in one and it takes forever to get anywhere.
The city of Los Angeles tumbles over 1,213.8 km2, three times the land area of the city of Tokyo with a third of its population. What googlemaps presents as a seemingly walkable distance turns out to be two hours away. Glen Dale, Silver Lake, Compton, Beverly Hills — numerous cities are within the area. The streetcar public transport operating in the first half of the 20th century was decimated in part by Standard Oil of California, their role in the General Motors streetcar conspiracy, and cheap rubber tyres. Experience authentic culture sitting in traffic jams on spaghetti highways.
3. Lack of ashtrays promotes littering by smokers.
It is common for many smokers in Japan to carry a personal ashtray to avoid littering. In many parts of the world, cigarette butts seem to be accepted as unnoticed pollution. Here in LA, a smoker in vain search of an ashtray may feel compelled to bury, drop, or throw the butt down the drain.
4. Vito’s pizza is incredible.
As usual, I want greens. Also as usual, I want to test their margherita pizza. Ordering my veggie slice I am worried it might be dry with just a bunch of leaves on a crust…
Oh how I am wrong — there is a delicious layer of molten cheese-glue between the two and my cross-eyed food-orgasm face shows it. Vito’s pizza is so amazing that we return three hours later for a nightcap slice and I award them a gold medal for margherita.
5. An American park is bigger than English towns and Micronesian islands.
Heading to Griffith Park for outdoors day we expect peace, some green spaces, and a lovely view. Certainly we find all three but are bowled over once again by sheer scale. Turns out the area of Griffith Park is a little under half the size of both the town of Ipswich, UK and the island of Yap, FSM. We can expect that the park is bigger than some English towns and Micronesian islands, but not the ones we call home. Less a walk in the park, more a hike in the mountains — here you can find clear views of the Hollywood sign, which becomes Ollywood depending on your location.
6. People smoke weed publicly, despite laws.
Weed is legal in California but there doesn’t seem to be venues like the coffee shops in Holland where smoking it is legal. Smoking cigarettes is permissible in the streets as long as you make an effort to stand away from a building, but the status of smoking weed is unclear — plenty of people are smoking it in the street.
7. The sand on Venice Beach is colder than the ocean temperature at 07:00 sunrise.
After a long flight, moving to decrumple my body, preferably swimming, is first on my mind. Keeping up my rule, be in or on the ocean at least once per week, I put on my zozo suit and and we march to Venice Beach. Overjoyed to tread softly upon the freshly groomed sand, my body is soon fully chilled through my feet. Getting to the ocean, I jump in. The zozo suit primarily protects me from the sun but also affords a little more warmth than just a bikini, trapping water close to my core and limbs. Head under water swimming catches my breath. Being in the ocean at Venice Beach watching the sunrise is the right way to start the week!
8. I really like loft beds and having lots of things to hang things off, including myself.
Our downtown LA accommodation helps me better understand my ideal living space. Plenty of space and equipment for fun and exercise — mats, a pole, boxing gloves, gear and bag, bring-your-own-hula hoop. Efficient use of space — avoid wasting space for a bed by locating it in a loft. I hang my laundry off sturdy poles suspended under the loft-bed which I also feel comfortable hanging off, stretching, and attempting pull-ups. I love climbing up and down to bed, it makes me feel like I’m in a den. I appreciate that the danger necessitates the sharpening of weary mind for the ascent and descent, ending and beginning the day.
9. Once you finish eating and drinking, you “close down” your bill.
In England, this is known as “settle up”, “pay up”, or “get the bill”. Whatever the language, universally the quickest way to nudge your server into action is to stand up with clear intention to leave.
10. Daily racial oppression: Pedestrian crossings are manned by a white guy and a red hand — only cross when the white man says so.
UK pedestrian crossings are racially neutral or perhaps martian-friendly; a green man signals it is safe for pedestrians to cross and if not, his buddy red man shows up, standing still. Despite the racial diversity in LA, only an image of a white man walking allows pedestrians safe passage. In tune with the fashion of taking offence on other people’s behalf, we marvelled at this habitualised daily oppression.
“White man says go.”
“Don’t you oppress me!”
11. 14 dogs can stand for a photo shoot with two dedicated trainers in front of an historic building.
Taking photos is a common way for 21st century folks to spend their time. These dog-pros had a clear mission, then had to make a run for it to escape the throngs of photo-seeking masses. If you want to be an Instagram star, you’ve got to put in the hours — two girls from Ipswich are unlikely to sympathise with your cause.
12. Public hula-hooping is not so common but many are delighted to be reacquainted and have a go.
“I haven’t seen one of those in years!”
“Hello Hula-Hooper!”
“Can I borrow your hula-hoop?”
Life with my bendy fold-downable infinity hula-hoop is simply better! People start conversations, curious what I am holding when it is folded down and looks like two very small hula-hoops, or grateful for a childhood memory rekindled. About 20 people had a go on my hula hoop this week including a girl at Venice Beach who hula-hooped while skateboarding. I was also introduced to the hoop’s inter-dimensional travel capacity thanks to the Psychodelicate’s Psychonaut circus!
13. Mezcal is like smoked tequila, analogous to the bourbon-whisky relationship (according to a kind, mildly careless free-handed cocktail pourer).
Clearly we are closer to Mexico than we are used to. We know little to nothing about tequila or mezcal. When we pose questions, many people in America are fond of providing in depth answers with conviction, whether or not they are correct.
14. Prince (or The Artist Formerly Known As) babysat in Minnesota.
Conversation with neighbour at the bar who was babysat by Prince and received his album, free.
15. You can have a full-body water massage fully clothed, and not get wet.
Walking down Hollywood Boulevard, we spot people hooked up at the oxygen bar, but what is that? we ask the barman…
This is a full-body hydro-massage in which you remain fully clothed. We choose 30-minutes for $30 which we are promised includes oxygen bar and more massage. I climb into the machine, don big headphones to block the outside world, close my eyes and get closed in. The water jets are extremely powerful and feel incredible, slowly working their way from my ankles to the base of neck.
The darkness, quiet, delicious sensations provide a fabulous time-out and it takes me a good five minutes or more to re-enter reality after the session. We sit at the oxygen bar and the barman gives us massage machines to try including electric shock pad positioned on the lower back with remote control, and round the neck ball-massage implement costing $250. Despite the feel-good sensations, I believe that when it comes to massage you cannot beat the human touch. Barman/salesman disagrees.
16. Most people taking photos of famous people don’t know who they are either.
Caught in the throng of the Bad Boys for Life premier party, the excitement renewed each time a fat vehicle pulled up — who is getting out? Will they come over? Knowing we are unlikely to know any of the famous folk, we ask others in the crowd taking photos and discover they don’t know who they are either. How absurd this charade of fame and fortune. Note: the people in the premier party don’t look like they are having all that much fun, I spy their need for a hula hoop!
17. Jaden Smith (son of Will) has more respect than Big Boy.
Apparently it is Jaden Smith who gets out of a car and comes over to take photos, hug, and sign things for fans. On the other hand, Big Boy (whoever the hell he is) pretends not to hear the shouts and invites from the throng. Are we not in the land where fame is currency? Ignoring your fellow humans is no sign of respect wherever you are, whoever you are — be courteous!
18. California State Polytechnic University (Cal Poly Pomona) was somewhat founded by Mr. Kellogg Cornflake with 80 Arabian horses, some cows, and a sheep.
19. BBQ food may influence shoppers to be sold by the ease of trainer (“sneaker”) maintenance.
Awaiting official product review. Can eating BBQ food improve long-term trainer-cleanliness?
20. Our experience of the City of Los Angeles has not yet presented any evidence of knowledge on how to position an air hockey table.
Two air hockey tables positioned next to a wall on at least one side — come on people what are you (not) playing at?
21. Public restrooms are hard to come by, may be unusable, and are sometimes protected by a security guard.
Strategic peeing necessary. A number of the “public restrooms” we see on Venice Beach are criss-crossed with yellow tape. The toilets which aren’t part of the crime scene should be, as they violate basic terms of hygiene and human dignity. Many establishments display signs of their loo status, “No public restroom”, “Restroom for customers only”, and we are astounded to find a restroomless Starbucks (no matter how much my friend stares at the wall, no doorway to restrooms appears). To access the right to listen to nature’s calls, we are offered: a spoon attached to a key, a receipt to present to a security guard, and one cold ocean. Toilet troubles quickly escalate to gnarly here.
21.b. Did we mention we saw Will Smith?! He will always be a legend.
